Making mistakes is a costly endeavor, especially from someone that can’t afford too many. I am not rich enough, pretty enough, savvy enough to talk my into the graces of forgiveness all the time. “You’ll have to work twice as hard to get half as far” is what POCs have to grow up with.
But dear reader, I want to walk you into a time where I saw a mistake that moved me down to my core. It wasn’t in a way of recoiling in shame or reeling in discomfort. It was in a way that I can be more brave than I am now.
Exactly 10 years ago as of this essay, Korean Singer Lee Hi released the ballad song Breathe (Korean title “한숨 / Hansum”) a title track from her half album Seoulite. The song was written and composed by Kim Jong-hyun from the group SHINee.
Lee Hi at the time struggled with breathing. “Back when I released that song,” as she explains on the show SBS’s “Party People”, “I had problems with breathing. I was suffering from a slight panic disorder, and it always felt like I was suffocating.” She continued, “I didn’t even know I wasn’t breathing properly. When I finally realized it, I tried breathing using a plastic bag but ended up going to the hospital. I hoped that the song ‘Breathe’ would help those who are exhausted and have difficulty breathing.”
A year later on December 17th, the news broke out that Jonghyun had taken his own life at the age of 27. Jonghyun had publicly talked about his struggles with depression as fans believe that he written the song “Breathe” for himself.
At the 32nd Golden Disc Awards, a tribute segment dedicated to Jonghyun aired as Lee Hi sang “Breathe” in his honor.
Dressed in an all black dress with silver and diamond earrings that match the stars that flickered in the background stage, the single spotlight shines down on Lee Hi as she sings with a full orchestra. As the conductor waves his baton, Lee Hi with her stoic demander sings softly from one verse and belts into the chorus. However, once she gets to the line:
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
She chokes up, looks away from the camera and stares into the starry background. You see her wipe her tears away with her mic as the crowd applauds with encouragement that she can keep going.
I can only imagine what was going through her mind as she is singing a song that probably has saved her life during her panic attacks, but couldn’t save Jonghyun. The lyrics that he wrote mirrored the suicide note that he wrote for the public. Would this mistake tarnish the love and affection she has for this song, would this scar her to never perform this song again?
As she gathers herself, she turns her head back to the camera but has her head slightly bowing down. She moves her mic up and down to her mouth to catch the rhythm of the song as she lifts her head up to sing again,
“But it’s Ok”
to only stumble again. She glances to her right as if she was hoping Jonghyun would be there telling her what the next line is, but he isn’t there. She draws her mic down as her heart starts breaking all over again until she grabs the button on her dress, and sings,
Even if others think your sigh
Takes out energy and strength
She holds onto that button as if that was Jonghyun was telling her to hold on, to keep going. I watch this brave young woman finish this song and hit all her notes the way she does.
I’ve been to more funerals than weddings in my lifetime. Instead of gathering with others to celebrate new unions, I’ve spent more time gathering with others to mourn life. Every goodbye I give is always with all my heart because I never know this person will come back. There are so many people I want to talk to right now: some aren’t physically here to, some emotionally can’t with me, and some decided they won’t.
Mistakes weigh hard on me, as there are times I really don’t know if I am a good person. I reflect how much strength Lee Hi pulled from her soul to honor a friend, and continues to perform this song for others in need, especially for me right now. Recently I’ve been having a hard time breathing. The tight chest pains make me pause for a few moments where I have to take a step back and calm my heart. I get my headphones and play this song:
Try taking a deep breath
Until the sides of your chest ache
Until they even start to hurt a littleTry breathing out more
Until you feel like
There’s nothing left inside youIt’s alright if you feel like you can’t breathe
No one is here to blame you
It’s fine to make mistakes sometimes
Everyone has made them
Saying ‘it’s alright’
May be empty words but…Someone’s sigh
That heavy breath
How could I possibly appreciate it
Your sigh
I can’t understand the extent of it but
It’s alright
I’ll can hold youIt’s alright if you feel like you can’t breathe
No one is here to blame you
It’s fine to make mistakes sometimes
Everyone has made them
Saying ‘it’s alright’
May be empty words but…Someone’s sigh
That heavy breath
How could I possibly appreciate it
Your sigh
I can’t understand the extent of it but
It’s alright
I’ll can hold youTo other people it might
Seem like a hopeless sigh
But I know
That you had a day so tough
To breathe out even a small sigh
Don’t think other thoughts now
Try taking a deep breath
And just let it all outSomeone’s sigh
That heavy breath
How could I possibly appreciate it
Your sigh
I can’t understand the extent of it but
It’s alright
I’ll can hold youYou did really well
Your sleeveless friend: Long Vo 
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