Your sleeveless friend: Long Vo

May 23rd is the commemoration of Hana Kimura’s life. She was someone I used to anchor my essay when I wrote for Dirt.fyi last year.

There’s a section of the essay that got cut, but I really wanted to share because the way we talk about suicide frustrates me. On the message boards someone said, “oh I heard what she did.” Immediately someone came in and corrected them, “maybe you should say I heard what happened.” There was another friend who said “Yeah maybe she was weak in the mind.”

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There’s a cruelty that lingers about her memory, so I wrote this about her catchphrase “Everybody is different, everybody is special!” This was my best way to honor her and show what lasting impact she has had on me, as she reminded me to keep going through that dark time.

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There’s a special motto Hana Kimura says: “Everyone is different, everyone is special.” The line is inspired by this poem:

No matter how I spread my arms

I can not fly at all,

But unlike me, a flying bird

Cannot run fast on the ground.

Though I rock my body back and forth

It makes no pretty sounds,

Yet unlike me, a ringing bell

Does not know many songs.

A bell, a bird, and also me,

Everyone is different, everyone is good.

Misuzu Kaneko, “A Bell, A Little Bird, And I.” (Translated from Japanese)

I would like to believe there was a reason why she changed the last word from “good” to special. Maybe because in some worlds, some aren’t ever allowed to be good: forever a villain. Leaving that world is the only choice because that place will never love them. But when one can never be good, maybe they can at least be “special,” in a way that breaks the confines of society, to sparkle just enough to make someone else feel so grand, so regal, that they become the best version of themselves, beyond what was capable before.

I would like to think that’s why tears always welled up when I think about Hana from time to time, the anger and resentment settles down and the water becomes more clear. Just like when miners put dirt in a pan and sift the debris out to find the gold, that’s Hana reminding me to sift myself out in this cruel world to be something special.